{Loss // Heartache // Healing}

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness 
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

Bethel Music - Shepherd

I have been putting off this post for about 4 months now. At first it was because it was all too real and raw and honestly, it hurt like heck. I couldn't even think, talk or write about it without my eyes welling up with tears and my heart literally aching. I was lost, confused and felt so alone. Even with the best support system and the most incredible husband a girl could have, it was the absolute loneliest place I had ever been in. The weight was unbearable at times, actually most of the time. How could this have happened? What did I do wrong? And then secondly because God has been working in my life, in my heart. He is healing me and restoring me. My heart and my soul was wrecked in such painful ways...and then wrecked again in big and beautiful ways. I wanted to wait to share once I felt like I was in a good place and could clearly see all that God was teaching me throughout all of this. All of the suffering for His glory. It's still, I'm still a work in progress, but I am also in a good place. Yes, my heart still aches, but my faith in God's plan for our lives is bigger than ever before. His plan is better than any we could ever make for ourselves. And that brings me peace that passes understanding.   

I was pregnant.

And then I wasn't....
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I have sat here staring at this screen for the longest. Where do I go from here? Where do I even start? How do I tell this story, our story.  Do I even share our story at all? But, I will because it is just that, our story. Jesus holds the pencil and He is writing our story. Our faith is the lead, but Jesus is the author of our faith and the author of our salvation story. And He will not let go of that pencil until our story is complete. And that is something worth sharing. That is blessed assurance. 

Bear with me because even now, 4 months later I am having difficulty writing this all out. There is so much to say and the emotions keep overwhelming me and taking over. Beautiful chaos can only accurately describe my mind and my heart right now. 

I was pregnant. And then I wasn't.

Back in February we learned that we were expecting our second little babe. We were elated and cried so many tears of joy. I've mentioned on this blog a few times, but it takes Nathan and I a while to conceive. It was over 2 years with Mason and this time it was over a year {but many years dreaming of}. So, you can imagine our excitement when we got that positive test. We were over the moon excited. I didn't have any symptoms other than being late and being extremely emotional {even more so than normal}so I was having a hard time even believing I was truly pregnant. But, I just kept reminding myself that it was still early and that every pregnancy was different. Nate was ready to tell the world, but I wanted to wait. I really wanted to wait until that 12 week mark, but we compromised with waiting until I had seen the doctor.

Well, we had to throw those plans out the window when we learned that Nate's parents were in the thick of planning summer vacation and including us in those plans. Nate has to acquire his vacation time at work and hardly ever has a big stack of it saved up. We knew that if we had a little baby on the way we might have to forgo a summer vacation so that Nate could save his time. We had to tell his parents.

But, there was a very important little someone that we needed to tell first. Mr. Mason. We told him later that night. He was so happy and just kept asking "really" over and over again. His joy of being a big brother made us even more elated.

We were on cloud nine.

We did end up telling our parents, siblings and grand parents. A part of me regretted this for the longest time.

Fast forward a week to when the unthinkable happened. I woke up bleeding. It wasn't much and it was very light in color. But I still freaked out. Nate was getting ready for work and I ran in there crying saying "I think I am loosing our baby." He just held me while I cried. And then he called into work. We went back to bed for a little bit before he had to take Mason to school. I just laid there sobbing and praying. I continued to bleed throughout the day, and then the next and it was more and more every time I checked. I called the doctor and asked her what to do. She ordered me to go straight to the ER.

At the hospital they did blood work, a urine test, and two kinds of sonograms. The blood work did prove that I was pregnant, but that my hcg levels were very low. No baby was seen on either sonogram. They did rule out ectopic pregnancy, though. The hospital sent me home with a diagnosis of "threatened miscarriage" with orders to rest and follow up with my doctor in a few days. Of course I had to go a whole weekend and then three days of the next week before my doctor could see me. I was a little upset with my doctor and couldn't believe she would make me wait so long. But, later I found out there really was a method to her plan.

I finally saw the doctor and we talked for quite a while. I told her everything that I went through and she listened to every word (she is a blessing). She agreed that it sounded like a miscarriage and wanted to do a pelvic exam and more blood work to check my hcg levels again. If they stayed the same or had gone up then we would do some more testing, but if they dropped it was a confirmed miscarriage.

A few days later came that earth shattering phone call. "Your levels are back to a zero and your miscarriage is complete." And if that wasn't hard enough a few hours later I got a call from the billing department to go over what my prenatal care was going to cost for each appointment until I deliver. Ouch.

After I got that confirmation I wanted to climb into a hole and hide from the world. The loneliness and the emptiness and the brokenness were wrecking me. I had the real tangible proof that I was pregnant and then it was gone. I couldn't help but feel robbed, broken and sad. I mean, I have felt loss before, but nothing like this. It took a good week or more before I even felt like being around people (with the exception of church and our church family).

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

But, throughout all of the hurt and suffering there was a lot of good. Looking back over the last several months I can see God's goodness, His grace, and His faithfulness in our lives. He called us to this wonderful church {and church family} when he knew that I would need it and them the most. It was all so perfectly ordained. It wasn't by accident that we went to this birthday party back in January where we would have a conversation with the pastor, it wasn't by accident that he invited us to church that following Sunday, and it wasn't by accident that we agreed and that we went. And it wasn't by accident that we kept going back every Sunday. God has had His hands in this all along. It brings me to tears to even think about it. The sermons were just what I needed to hear every Sunday that I sat on that pew. One in particular was on suffering and why God allows us to suffer.


So that the tested genuineness of your faith may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 

1 Peter 1:7

Suffering is the refining fire of our faith. Suffering is purposeful and ordained. 

Wow. 

God has been working in all of our lives. We have learned to lean on Him and to trust His plans for our lives. We are all getting closer in our walks with Jesus Christ. And to watch Mason develop a heart that desires Jesus is the most incredible thing to witness as a mother. 

Through the hurt and the pain and the loneliness I found comfort in Jesus. And while I may never hold that sweet baby this side of Heaven I know that he or she was in the arms of Jesus. And that makes me so weepy! And through the promise we have in Jesus Christ I know that I will meet him or her one day. That is the good. 

28 comments

  1. Sorry for your loss. Glad that you are allowing God to heal you. Prayers for you and your family.

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  2. Oh Crystal, I am so, so sorry to read this. Not gonna lie, it has me in tears. Even though you may not feel it all the time, you seem to have such a positive outlook on the situation and like you said, it's all in His timing. God has a plan for your sweet little family and though it's hard to trust that in difficult times like this, I bet you will look back someday and realize just how right He was. Stay strong, my friend. And what a beautiful post this way. Thoughts and prayers for you all!!! <3

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  3. I'm so sorry you went through this awful loss. My thoughts are with you!

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  4. Oh Crystal. I'm am so sorry to hear of yours, Nathan's, and little Mason's loss. My husband and I are praying for you in this time of healing. <3

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  5. Crystal, my heart breaks for you and the guys. While we don't know the way of such sad circumstances, we do know that God is good and faithful. You know this on such a deep level that I hope you find the healing you need.

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  6. This just breaks my heart. I can't imagine that feeling of loss. I'm so sorry you went through this though. I'm glad you are in a better place now.

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  7. Thank you for sharing your heart, Crystal. I am so sorry for your loss. I experienced my first miscarriage seven years ago & reading your words made me hurt, too. I have healed, but there are times I wonder what he/she would be doing right now & what it would be like to have a six & a half year old running around here right now. You are so right to lean on Jesus. He's your rock. Praying for you & your sweet family.

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  8. Oh Crystal, I am so sorry for your loss. I saw you comment on someone else's blog post about miscarriage a while back, but I wanted to wait until you were ready to share to reach out. Please know none of this is your fault, and far too many of us have been there with you. I am so glad you've found such comfort in your faith in all this. I have been there too (the pregnancy before Abbie), so please know that I am thinking of you and here if you need an ear, a virtual hug, or a just to talk. You never ever forget, but it does get easier to move forward with time. <3 you girl.

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  9. Oh Crystal, my heart is breaking for you having to go through this. I think miscarriages are the hardest thing to share because no one ever talks about them, including me. I now feel more open to sharing about mine, but it still isn't something I shout from the rooftops. I'm so glad you have your amazing family and faith by your side. And know that we are all praying for you!

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  10. Oh my goodness, Crystal, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.

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  11. Oh wow, I'm so sorry Crystal. I've been there and this post brought back so many memories. I'm sending lots of love and prayers your way. Such a difficult thing to go through, I'm glad you have a good support system through it all.

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  12. Oh Crystal, I'm so sorry for your loss!! I will be praying for you, for continued healing, comfort, and peace. Thank heavens for your faith and our Good Lord to help carry you through difficult times.

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  13. I'm so, so sorry. I know how hard it is to share something so personal. Reading your words had me in tears & right back to August 2014. As you already know, I'm always here for you.

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  14. Oh honey, I just want to give you a big hug. I can't imagine the hurt you went through, that you are still going through. Your faith and outlook on the whole situation is inspiring and nothing short of amazing. I pray that God gives you whatever you and Nate pray for but i'm beyond glad that he's given you the strength so share your story.

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  15. Friend, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but you are the most positive person I know and I admire you for your outlook on things. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason (even loss, as you know is my case too, just slightly different). You have an amazing support system with your church and your family and Nate and Mason. Thank you for sharing and you know I am here for you if you need anything. xo

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  16. Oh, friend. You are so wonderful for sharing this here because I know it is so, so hard. I have been there, and this post brought back so many emotions. I am praying for you. I'm so glad the Lord has brought you to a church that is a good fit and a doctor will a listening ear.

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  17. My heart jand at aches for you. This was so raw & beautiful and such an important story to share. I will keep your family in my thoughts & prayers and hope that you will be blessed with another baby. I too struggle with infertility, and the waiting is so so hard!

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  18. Bless you, sweet Crystal. Sure wish I could give you a big hug. You and your family are in my prayers. So much love to you. xo.

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  19. Tears for you and your loss my friend. This breaks my heart all over again. Your faith and healing is truly inspiring and I know God has YOU in the palm of his hands also. Sending you hugs and prayers.

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  20. What a sad but encouraging way to share your story. So sorry for your loss, I had no idea. Now when I see your little guy on Instagram, I know a little bit of what he (and his parents) are going through. I don't know how people walk through loss without our Savior, do you? He is our guide, our comforting Shepherd. Prayers for you, Crystal.

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  21. Oh my dear friend, this was such a beautiful and honest post. While I don't know the pain of a miscarriage I know the pain of infertility too well. It is the hardest thing to go through and every day I hope that your prayers will be answered and Mason will get to be a big brother.

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  22. Oh my sweet friend. I know we haven't talked about this through email, but my heart still breaks for you. Especially hearing such raw emotion in your words. I am so incredibly sorry this happened. Please know I continue to think of you and send love and prayers your way.

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  23. You are so generous and brave to share your story with us. I'm very sorry! I think it shows amazing strength that you are able to see your blessings through this trying time. God's plan is always the best plan even when we feel it isn't. I think that might be the hardest lesson for us in our faith. Hugs and love from Arkansas

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  24. My heart hurts for you friend. I cannot imagine, thank you for sharing sweet friend. You are amazing and have such a great understanding of faith and devotion. <3

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  25. Crystal. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. It is a testimony to God's goodness through the suffering and pain that your sweet family has experienced the months past. May He continue to guide you and comfort you through the months ahead.

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  26. I am so, so sorry sweet friend. You are an amazing mama and I am excited to see how this test will turn into a testimony. He is Good all of the time and I know He isn't finished with this. Love ya!

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  27. Friend. I am so so so sorry for your loss. Believing God will redeem and restore your heartache.

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  28. I am so very sorry for your loss!! I cannot imagine the pain but am so glad that you are working to see how God has a plan for this. He works all things for good. So many hugs and prayers for you! (And I'm sorry I'm just now catching up on my blog reading & just read this)

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Thanks for the comments! Hope you are having an amazing day!!